Unplanned Changes….

Twenty-two years ago I was in 10th grade.  I had plenty of friends, and was set to get my license very soon.  I had this obnoxious guy that liked me – and had since marching band camp my freshman year.  I wouldn’t give him the time of day, plus I wasn’t allowed to date – so I just was annoyed by him.  When I was 15 I agreed to out with him.  We dated for many years and had planned to get married.  Needless to say we didn’t get married.  I won’t go in to details – it just wasn’t meant to be.  I, of course, know that now – and was better off.  I did love him – but we were just not destined to be together.  He may not have loved me – but he really did get me.  He really made me speak my mind to him and brought me out of my shell a little bit.  I’ll always respect him for that.  When we broke up – I was lost.  I of course was lost and my future plans were no more.  I had given up my dream of being a teacher for him – something I always wanted.  I figured at that point it was too late – I was already 20 and didn’t want to be an old teacher (I know that is funny now).  

That was 1998 and I moved to Sturgis that year.  I had never planned to move there.  I always knew that my parents would move there – I had absolutely no interest in living in a small town – over an hour away from a mall.  I tried living with my sister for a little while – but that just didn’t work.  It was too hard to live where I grew up with everyone knowing what happened.  I was embarrassed that it was over didn’t want to face people.  My Mom really wanted me to move – so I decided to give it a try.  I hated it for 2 months.  I couldn’t find a job and was just very depressed.  I think I enrolled in school right before I found a job at least – so I was still going in the right direction.  That job was supposed to only last a week – but turned permanent.  That happened to also be where Dave worked.  

I didn’t meet Dave right away.  Our jobs didn’t really align all that much.  He only needed to look over the UPS bills and that was about the extent of our working relationship.  I think I talked to him briefly in November possibly (I started in August).  I have no idea what about – but we talked for a few minutes.  Then one time – I had to take some timecards out to him.  I didn’t do timecards – but for some reason I had to take them out there.  I didn’t end up finding him – which I was sad about.  He was the first real person to really talk to me – so I had wanted to see him.  He started using the upstairs copier of fax machine more often.  He’d talk to me occasionally – just like basic things – but I knew he was going out of his way (I probably didn’t know that at the time – I do know that now though).  I was going on a trip in December – a honeymoon trip I had won from my previous wedding that didn’t happen.  I called him to let him know I wouldn’t be there for a week.  I don’t know why I thought he would care.  I think I said something about the UPS bill or something – if he had any questions I wouldn’t be there to answer them.  He thought it was cool I was going to Mexico.  He didn’t ask me out until March – I don’t remember much from January and February – I think he had a girlfriend or something then.  

So that was it – from March on – we were together.  We talked almost every night.  I felt bad for him a lot because they didn’t have a home phone at the time (long story) – so he would go to a pay phone and call me.  After a while of that – I just started sending him home with my cell phone.  No need to go to a pay phone when he could use my cell.  He hated doing that – and it wasn’t long before he got a cell phone of his own.  That was much better.  

Dave was very different from my first boyfriend.  He wouldn’t make me talk if I didn’t want to.  That annoyed me – I think I made it a game and he just wasn’t in to that.  I didn’t trust him due to the past – but it didn’t take long.  Many times he would say – I’m not him – he obviously saw my issues with my past and understood why I was that way.  I loved that he understood.  

I don’t regret my first love – I would have never met Dave and would have never been who I was with him without that history.  I know that was a lesson I needed to learn.  When I met Dave – I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend.  I was determined that I was going to be alone forever.  I had tried online dating and realized – I just wasn’t going to find what I wanted there.  

I just don’t get what lesson I’m supposed to learn through this.  I don’t know what I did to deserve this awful pain.  There is no way I’ll be better off living through this.  I can live – I know that I’m capable of doing pretty much anything I want to do (well – except losing weight – I seem to be incapable of doing that).  I never thought I would manage without him.  I am managing – but that was a sucky way to learn that.  

I’ve been thinking – I’ve had 2 loves.  I have my wonderful kids and am determined to give them the best life possible.  I think people have a limit of how much love they are allowed to receive.  I think I have more I could give, but I don’t think that I’m allowed to have more people love me back.  I’m likely not an easy person to love – or talk to.  I think I’m getting to be ok with that.  I did try to go out to eat by myself – still couldn’t do that.  I still just ordered it to go and ate it in my car.  One of these days I’m going to go to a movie again by myself.  I thought about maybe Magic Mike….lol.  I never saw the first one – but I think it would be a little weird doing that by yourself anyway.